I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
