Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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