my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
