Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
They have beer where we have blood.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
