We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
