I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.