I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM