He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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