im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
