tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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