how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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