I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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