It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
