fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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