People in love make me want to vomit
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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