Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
