i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Bring me that man meat
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize