Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
