Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
