Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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