why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
