$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
there's paper in my vomit.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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