im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
