think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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