I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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