My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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