I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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