Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Randomize
