I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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