My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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