You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
