i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
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We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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