my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
