it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
