I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
