is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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