just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
