i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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