Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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