Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
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Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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