He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
