ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
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It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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