She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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