Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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