you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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