"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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