I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
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take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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