morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
