Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
