Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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