so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
