We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
