My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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