If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
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I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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