i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
