I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
