My first STD was from a foam party
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
