For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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