My sheets look like a crime scene.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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