Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
