We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
